AM SORRY SUGABELLY

 The Beginning

I read the story of Sugabelly for the first time on Friday evening. Prior to this time, I had seen various tweets cursing out a popular politician who had just passed on.  I didn't pay too much attention to it then and I recall been slightly irritated about the fact that she "wasn't respecting the dead". At that time, she had made indirect comments of having been molested by a group of guys (3 brothers and their friends) but her story didn't seem tidy or all together true.

So fast forward to Friday evening. I was on another popular blog and saw a post about the same Sugabelly and how the likes of Oby Ekwesili and Abike Dabiri we supporting the #Istandwithsugabelly. This piqued my interest again as I couldn't understand why notable people like these women would get involved in a story that seemed too twisted so I decided to investigate.

I cried

I read sugabelly's story and I cried. Hot stinging tears. I won't rehash the details of her story and the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her molesters, but I will take out salient points from her story to show you what our society has become. 

Absentee Parenting

The one question that kept bugging me was where the heck was sugabelly's mum when all this was happening? I am not here to judge but the first duty of a parent is to PROTECT their child! I do not know the circumstances surrounding her upbringing but I can almost assume from her story that her parents did not play a significant role in her upbringing. 

From her story, I gathered she started working at an early age, which in itself isn't a bad idea, but am almost certain that a great deal of her molestation in the hands of these men happened during this time. Did her parents ask to meet any of her so called friends or their parents? Shouldn't her mum or dad have asked where she was always going out to after work and with whom? 

Her parents are obviously people of means and you can tell because she attended one of the most expensive schools in Nigeria. But what's the value of that kind of education if you cannot protect your child from life changing events such as rape? She was seventeen for Chris sakes! She should have been monitored more closely.

Our society has redefined parenting to a role that is about convenience. So you hear the usual story about how parents need to work hard to make money to provide for their children. What's the use of all the wealth we acquire if at the end of the day we are bringing up dysfunctional children? This poor girl will be popping anti-depressants for the rest of her life. According to her, she has even tried to kill herself several times and I can imagine that she probably won't stop trying especially now since half of the people who have read her story think it's her fault that this ugly episodes happened to her. 

We really need to be present in our children's lives and by present I don't mean nannies, cooks and relatives...do this most important task of bring up your child yourself! Finish.

So note to self: The moment work begins to affect the quality of my child's upbringing, I shall quit! And believe me it's not because I can afford to, but the consequences of "outsourcing" parenting are too huge to bear!

The Monster called rape

People have several interpretations of what qualifies as rape. In Sugabelly's case, some have asked why she always going back to her abusers. I am not a psychologist, but there's something about abuse (verbal, physical or sexual) that makes the victim lose herself or himself while thinking she doesn't deserve anything better. 

It's the same reason why you see women in abusive relationships stay put until some sort of irreparable damage occurs. Permit me to digress a bit but still on the same issue, have you noticed the alarming increase in number of rape cases lately in Nigeria? It is nearly impossible to go through the news these days without coming across one case of rape or child molestation. 

Most often than not, the victims are under aged minors between 2 – 15 years with some cases bordering on very fiendish. It’s interesting to note that half of these cases go unreported and even the ones that get reported do not get the justice they deserve. This is in addition to the stigma and shame the victim has to endure as most people still believe that its either the victim was dressed proactively or must have brought the situation upon herself one way or the other. 

In other societies, rape victims are treated with dignity and in most cases eventually get the kind of justice that befits the crime committed. Our society must take a new approach to issues of rape without stigmatizing the victims. In the history of Nigeria, there have been only 18 rape convictions so what chances does the average woman who falls victim of rape have of getting justice? 

The beauty of Karma

Karma is the invisible power that balances the universe. It also refers to the spiritual principle of cause and effect where the intent and actions of an individual influence the future of that individual. I am not very optimistic that Sugabelly will get justice through the legal system especially since the incidence took place several years ago, however I am comforted by the fact that karma is real. So eventually, I am confident that this young women and several others who have been so wronged will get justice one way or the other and I hope it will be pretty soon too.

So my dear Sugabelly, my prayer is that you heal completely from this trauma and find the strength to become the best version of you. 

Once again, am sorry Sugabelly.

FINE FACE